Pick This Fight Today and Protect Your Marriage Tomorrow
It was George and Ira Gershwin who wrote the incomparable classic that is “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off,” which is a song ultimately about irreconcilable differences. While it seems ironic and odd that we should cite a song about the frustration of one partner who just cannot seem to win with their significant other to our premarital clients, it is a great message. It also depicts the big fight that we, as adherents to the Gottman Method, believe that all premarital couples must have.
First, let’s just look at few of that song’s timelessly funny lyrics to better understand the point:
“Our romance is growing flat
'Cause you like this and I like the other…
You say either and I say eyether
You say neether and I say nyther
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!”
Anyone who has had a friend or lover who makes them feel this way, or who has even inspired them to quote the song directly (I myself have said “potato, potahto” with a shrug) will understand the singer’s pain.
Yet, this is one important concept that we want premarital couples to focus on.
That Might Break My Heart
If you’re not sure just what concept we mean, it is this:
The first big, authentic argument premarital couples should have, should be about…nothing.
As an example, let’s consider the couple that fights over spending every Saturday night with the future “in-laws,”. Let’s also say this has been a point of conflict for the three years the couple has been together.
If one says, “You know after the wedding we are definitely NOT coming here every Saturday night, right?” The other might say, “Being married won’t change the fact that we’ve done this since we met…and will continue to do so.”
Who’s in the right? Who should “win”?
If you answered “neither,” (or “nyther”) you’d be right.
This is because the fight is about control, and that is a fight, ultimately about nothing. It is a fight about something that will remain a point of conflict throughout the marriage, and will come up in many more areas throughout the relationship. If one person insists on the “win,” the couple loses. Yes, there may be some serious vexation on the part of one or both. Both may disagree sharply that they are attempting to control the other. They might both say it is premarital stress or tension. If both fail to accept that open or covert attempts to control the other are at work in such moments, it can be devastating…as that lyric points out. They will think about calling the whole thing off!
So, it is a good idea to think of the consequences of insisting on one way or the other – the (immediate or eventual) end of things, which as the song points out would be a real heartbreak.
Let’s Call the Calling Off Off.
So, as you begin to experience any type of premarital stress and find yourself getting snippy with one another about seemingly small issues, stop and ask yourself if the fight is about something (i.e., you really cannot afford something), or if it is about nothing (they won’t bend to your will on a particular matter and it makes you very angry). If it falls under that nothing umbrella, be aware that it is a wedge the two of you are driving between yourselves.
As Dr. Gottman says, marriage is about the combining of two entirely different people who are creating a shared experience of love and of life. This is NOT an experience or transition that is without resistance or friction. It brings up lots of fears and anxieties. Any trust issues you deal with might come to the surface, any worries about long-term love and understanding may cause a fight.
Remedies.
As we said, we use the Gottman Method for dealing with premarital concerns. It is founded in the research of love, and believes that human relationships that work may all be unique in some ways, but all the healthy ones follow similar patterns, and that includes all premarital human relationships. One unfortunate pattern is for couples to wait up to six years before seeking help. This is too long a delay and can make fixing the issues very difficult.
Instead, Dr. Gottman says that these concerns cannot be ignored, that each person has to use self-awareness and be willing to accept responsibility for causing struggles, and both need to do the work of remaining solidly connected even at the worst of times. Any willingness to reach across a divide, even if it is a divide that amounts to nothing, is going to strengthen all that a couple has built.
So, have that big fight about nothing, and be ready to recognize it for what it is – a common dilemma faced by many.
If you are eager to use this method to help build a life together before and after the wedding, click below for more information about our 7 week Premarital Workshop designed especially for pre-engaged and engaged couples.
